Why trying to change your negative emotions is stupid advice

​In 2018, I found out my daughter had been abused at my ex-husbands house. She was 5 years old when it happened. She held it together until she was 26, then her life fell completely apart.

For more a year, I drove 8 hours each way, twice a month, to clean her apartment and stock her freezer. But my primary job was to hold her, to try to make her feel safe.

I boiled with rage.

I wanted him to feel like the piece of sh*t he was for not protecting her. But she didn’t want him to know about her mental health, so I couldn’t confront him.

Instead, I tried to bury my anger. I followed the positivity guru nonsense, practicing forgiveness and journaling.

But none of it worked. My anger would drop for a few days, but it always came roaring back. And it got worse over time because just hearing his name could set it off.

Last Monday, my ex texted her that he wanted to come back into her life. Immediate, full-on fire in my chest and belly.

But, this time, I tried something different.

I sat and let myself feel the burning in my chest, the tightness in my gut, the heat in my throat. And I welcomed my rage, instead of trying to transform or release it.

The moment I welcomed it to just be there inside me, I saw how it had served me.

It fueled me through every 8-hour drive up the freeway. It lifted laundry at 2am. It gave me strength to pack her freezer when I wanted to collapse. It kept me from being flattened by grief.

My anger was my greatest ally.

The power of welcoming an emotion

Every emotion you're avoiding is trying to teach you something. But you can't hear the lesson when you're trying to make it go away.

An experiment for you to try:

Think of an emotion you've been trying to manage or avoid. Notice where you feel it in your body: chest, throat, belly. Take a breath into those spots.

Don't try to change it. Don't wait for it to become something easier.

Just welcome it. Say: "You're allowed to be here."

And see what it wants to show you.

You don't need a dramatic backstory to benefit from this.

It works just as powerfully with the everyday anxiety that keeps you second-guessing yourself, the resentment you're suppressing toward your partner, or the grief you've been pushing down for months.

Whatever you're avoiding—big or small—is worth listening to.

This is exactly the kind of work we'll do together in The Art of Connection, the 8-week 1:1 live coaching program I'm launching this month.

I want to help you build great relationships. A key part of this is learning how to welcome all your emotions. Especially the difficult ones.