How to prepare for a first in-person encounter

Someone I talked to recently was planning to meet a person they've been chatting with by phone for several weeks.

They have a good connection so this is the natural next step.

But it also feels like a big one. Which is 100% natural. Because a voice on the phone is one thing and an entire person in the flesh right next to you is different.

So you need to do some mental and emotional groundwork.

What you call it matters

That's the first step. Don't call it a date.

Call it a meetup to yourself and everyone else. "Date" is weighted with social pressure you're better off leaving behind.

Say "I'm going on a date" and "I'm going to a meetup" to yourself. Notice how your body feels after each.

Do your homework

If you haven't done the dealbreaker and must-have exercise yet, it's imperative to do it ahead of time. Once you meet someone you like, you'll subconsciously tailor your responses to fit them.

Review it at least twice before you meet. One of those times should be shortly beforehand.

Keep the right question in mind

The date question: Is this going somewhere?

The high stakes of this question hijack your mind and body. Your mind starts running a loop of what does this mean?, am I reading this right?, where is this headed?.

Meanwhile, your body starts searching for chemistry, trying to feel its way to an answer. Between the two, your nervous system ends up making the call. But, under pressure, it's a bad judge of character.

The meetup question: Do I want this person in my community?

When the stakes are lower, the rest of your life doesn't depend on how one experience goes. So you can be more present.

You can pay attention to what predicts how someone shows up over years: values, generosity, kindness, curiosity, and humor. What would this person bring to your current circle of friends? How might your friends feel about including them?

You can still ponder the date question. But only after the answer to the meetup question is yes.