The North Star you might be ignoring

"I don't know what's important to me."

"I don't know what my values are."

Two men in their mid-40s said this to me in the last few weeks. One is unhappily married and the other is amid upheavals in his career and relationship.

Your values are your belief about what matters most in life. They're your North star.

When you're not clear about them, you drift in the current of your own life, following whoever sends the loudest signal.

It's not specific to men, but I think men are more inclined to chase the values that society says we should. Achievement. Success. Wealth.

The hidden assumption is that if you make it professionally, everything else will follow. Love. Lasting relationships. Family.

That's not how it works.

You know what matters to you. You've just been overriding yourself long enough that you've lost track.

Following other people's values ultimately leaves you wondering, like these guys are, what's really important to you.

Values in relationships

Value differences don't automatically doom a relationship. But they can cause recurring conflict that never gets completely resolved. You keep arguing about the same things -- money, careers, parenting -- without addressing the underlying discrepancy about what you each believe is important.

Notice the word 'believe'. Values are based on beliefs, not facts. There's nothing inherently right about your values (although it can sure feel like there is).

There's also nothing inherently wrong about someone else's values. The only question is whether you can surface and navigate the differences together.

Get clear about your values

My dealbreaker and must-have exercise is one way to explore your values about relationships.

You'll feel more confident because you'll know what values you're not willing to compromise on.

So you can recognize a deal-breaking difference instead of minimizing it, only to have it rear its head in arguments weeks, months, or years later. Or resent your partner for being so wrong.

To go deeper, Tim Cotter's assessment tools are worth a look. Values clarification is his life's work as a psychologist, and you'll get a practical, personalized report. They're on sale through August 31. (No affiliation, just respect for his work.)