Why I didn't let him see me cry

On Wednesday afternoon, my partner and I left the surgeon's office and got in the car.

I teared up.

The doctor was tactful, but I practiced nursing for 20+ years. So I knew what was going on with my partner could be a Very Big Deal.

I'll always advocate for being vulnerable in your relationships. But I wiped away my tears.

Because there are times when transparency isn't your best option.

THINK

I usually talk about getting out of your head and speaking from your heart. But THINK is how to filter before you speak.

You don't use it to avoid being vulnerable. You use it to find out whether what you'd say is worth sharing.

T: thoughtful. Consider how what you want to say might affect the other person and what your relationship would gain from sharing it.

H: honest. Is what you want to say true? Or is it an exaggeration or speculation?

I: insightful. Does it give them new information or a new way to see things? Can they use it?

N: necessary. Do you need to say it? If you usually dodge being vulnerable, the answer is yes.

K: kind. Can you say it with love and consideration for how it might impact the person who hears it?

I ran my grief and fear through THINK.

T: Sharing my fear wouldn't benefit him or our relationship.

H: My fear was speculation. The truth would come out during surgery on Friday.

I: Telling him what I suspected would give him new information. But he'd have no way to use it.

N: The only reason I would talk about my feelings was to be transparent. But I was a bit player in the drama about his health. He didn't need to know how I felt at that moment.

K: It would be unkind to tell him how scared I was because he'd hate that he was the reason.

So I wiped away my tears and started reciting the words I memorized to redirect my mind away from dire outcomes. On my walk the next morning, I had a good cry when only my dog and the trees would know.

Friday, the surgeon told us that what he'd found was the best possible case.

We both breathed a big sigh of relief. When I admitted how scared I'd been, my partner hated it as much as I'd expected he would. So I was glad I'd hid my tears.

A growth experiment:

The next time you're about to say something that carries a big emotional charge, run it through THINK before you speak

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