His silence was the problem. (It wasn't.)

Sunday night, there were six of us in our living room, eating dessert and talking. As usual, my partner was quiet. He’s an introvert’s introvert.

But I decided he wasn’t enjoying himself.

He was fine. My anxiety was the problem.

Your anxiety sticks to anything it can find

The fancy dessert I’d wanted to serve flopped in the oven. So I spent the afternoon scrambling to come up with a gluten-free plan B. My hurrying turned into worrying that it wouldn’t be good.

Everyone loved the berry tart made with almond flour.

But when you worry about one thing, you find lots of things to worry about. So my partner’s quiet became loud in my mind.

Anxiety is like dog shit on a slick-soled shoe. It spreads everywhere.

Whatever you think you’re worried about is actually just a landing place for your amped-up nervous system.

It doesn’t feel that way, of course. It feels like there’s real cause for concern.

My worry about whether my partner would rather be reading felt legitimate. That’s what he does when family comes over and he gets tired of the conversation.

But he was happy. Just quietly having a lovely evening with friends.

Anxiety doesn’t need a real problem

When you’re anxious, anything uncertain will feel like a problem. Especially silence.

A lull in a conversation. A slower text response than you expected. A phone call that didn’t come.

In the absence of information, your mind fills silence with a story. It decides what someone else is thinking.

Try this:

Start by catching yourself in the act of mind-reading. This is harder than it sounds when you're anxious because the thoughts come fast and feel completely believable.

But if you're narrating what someone else is thinking, you’re in their head.

Then redirect your attention. Instead of thinking about the other person, shift your attention to what you can feel.

Your feet on the floor. Your butt in the chair. Rub your palms together and focus on the friction between them. Get up and move.

Every time you want to go back into their head, visit your own body instead.