Your picker isn't the problem. Your filter is.

Your history of not-so-great relationships doesn't mean your picker's broken.

You just need to fix your filter.

Let me explain.

You choose potential partners based on a filter. An mental and emotional checklist.

The problem? You do it unconsciously based on:

• Chemistry

• What feels familiar

• What you saw at home, in movies, online, and on TV

• What you don't want to repeat

Not on what's most important to you.

Here's how that played out in my life:

After my first marriage ended, I swore I'd never have a relationship like that again.

6 years after we got married, my ex started a winery. The idea seemed romantic. The reality was:

• 18-hour days August-November

• canceling everything when grapes were suddenly ripe

• endless sales trips January-April

• winemaker dinners with strangers

• hosting weekend-long wine and food events

• attending wine-related events hither and yon

Plenty of families make it work.

But, to my ex, the winery was an enormous baby full of barrels and vats that might stop breathing if he stopped watching.

Never again. No more driven, emotionally unavailable entrepreneurs.

Second time around, I choose someone completely different.

A musician and photographer. We had Bunsen burner-hot chemistry and long conversations about our feelings. I interpreted both as a thumbs-up from the universe.

Our marriage began with intense attraction and flamed out just as dramatically.

When it ended, I thought my picker was broken. But it had actually worked perfectly.

I filtered for the opposite of my first husband. And that's what I got.

Then I learned to fix my filter.

I didn't need to know why it was off. Digging into family history, trauma, and sexual experiences might be enlightening.

But it's not as helpful as tuning your filter and using it consciously.

Based on your values:

• What do you stand for?

• What makes you feel fulfilled?

• What brings you joy?

• What truly matters to you?

• What kind of person do you want to be?

Reflect on your experiences and your emotional responses to them. Consider what qualities you appreciate in the people you admire.

Watch out for overthinking as you go. It looks like:

• thinking your values will make it harder to find a partner

• anticipating how potential partners might respond to them

• focusing on what others value.

Less thinking. More reflecting and feeling.

You won't find a 1:1 match for all your values. No two people share the exact same spread.

What you will find is a connection on some of your values. My current partner and I have similar values about money and lifestyle.

It's a great foundation despite our many differences:

Lots of exercise vs. slow bike rides

Puns vs. any other kind of humor

Sleeping in vs. getting up early

Coffee vs. matcha

Cats vs. dogs

How to start fixing your filter?

Spend a few days journaling about your dealbreakers and must-haves.