2 ways to get ankle-deep vulnerable

Sharing your authentic thoughts, emotions, and beliefs is at the core of healthy relationships. Even when it feels risky.

But we don’t become vulnerable all at once. No jumping stark naked into the swimming pool in front of everyone.

It’s a gradual process. Wading into ankle-deep honesty with someone you trust, getting comfortable there, then feeling how much deeper you want to go.

If it takes years to get your face wet, fine. Nobody’s handing out gold medals for baring your soul faster.

But what kind of vulnerability is ankle deep?

I suggest looking at two patterns in how you communicate.

The first is how willing you are to say, “I don’t know.”

For most of my adult life, I was 0.00% willing to admit when I didn't know something.

My sense of self-worth was tangled up with being competent. If I wasn’t sure I could do something well, I didn’t even try it.

I had an answer for every question, a solution for every problem. 90% of the time.

The other 10% of the time, I made something up on the spot. Complete fabrication.

Because admitting I didn't know felt like deeply shameful failure.

I didn’t want to deceive anyone. I just wanted to feel safe.

When I started admitting it when I didn’t know something, I felt enormous internal relief. Able to relax in places I hadn't known were tight.

No one gasped or walked away. In fact, my relationships improved. Because encyclopedias are informative, not intimate.

I stopped saying “I’m fine” when I wasn’t. Instead, I said, “I’m upset and I don’t know why.” Which led to meaningful conversations that being “fine” never did.

The second pattern to look for?

Exaggeration.

I turned a 10-minute wait into a half hour. If 3 people agreed with me about something, I said everyone did.

The gist of the experience was true, but I dialed the details up while talking about it.

I exaggerated because I was afraid the truth wasn’t enough to get what I wanted.

Validation of how much an experience mattered to me or how intense it had been. Empathy. Attention.

I didn’t want to deceive anyone. I just wanted to feel seen.

No one may ever call us out on these patterns. Say something confidently enough and people believe you. Or at least they don’t contradict you to your face.

But your body knows the difference between what’s true and how you talk about it. Aligning your words and your experience is a powerful way of connecting head and heart.

If you have questions about either of these, I’m happy to answer them. Or tell you that I don’t know the answer. Email me at jenni@head-with-heart.com anytime.