Why overthinkers are prone to resentment and how to stop

I harbored resentment like a miser hoarding cash under a mattress.

Toward my husband, sisters, friends. Complete strangers pushing carts down the cereal aisle.

As an overthinker, I saw and remembered every nuance of someone else's behavior. I built airtight cases for my anger. Everyone just needed to catch up to my intelligence and standards.

Intellectually, I knew resentment wasn’t good. Emotionally, I was all in on cold anger for 15 years.

But I finally got tired.

Of rehashing what my husband had forgotten to do that day, last week, a year ago. Rehearsing what I’d say when he came home late again.

I decided to stop wasting my time being perma-pissed.

Different experts recommend various ways of addressing resentment. Here’s what worked for me, :

1. I wrote down every one of the 12,657 reasons I resented him. I started to feel relief as I got them out of my head and onto paper. I felt even more relieved when I got to the end of what had felt like an endless list.

2. One by one, I considered what I could have done differently to avoid getting mad at him.

I quickly found out that I resented him when:

• I expected him to behave in a specific way. Thanking me for something I'd done. Coming home for dinner before 7:30. Remembering something I asked him to do.

• I didn't set a boundary I needed. Instead of asking him to wait, I'd drop what I was doing to help him when I was in the middle of something. Instead of negotiating how long his dad would stay with us, I'd resign myself to month-long visits.

• I didn’t ask for what I needed. Instead, I believed what I wanted was common sense.

The lesson?

Resentment signals where a pattern needs to change. And we're the ones who need to change.

(A very important caveat: Addressing trauma-related resentment requires experienced professional support.)

Over time, I did the same thing for other people I resented--except the strangers picking up Cheerios. It felt like unpacking a box of snakes I’d been carrying around in my chest for years.

Got a few snakes yourself? Get out some paper and start writing.