What to do when your person withdraws

This week, I had a conversation with someone about what to do when the person you love withdraws.

Everything's fine. Then they're suddenly miles away emotionally and mentally.

Not talking, not touching, not tender. Maybe sleeping in another room. You ask what's going on and they don't want to talk about it or say it's not about you.

I've been there. Maybe you have, too.

It's especially tough when you have an anxious attachment style. (Julie Menanno, couples therapist and author of Secure Love, is an excellent resource for learning more about attachment styles. You can also find her on IG and Threads.)

A sudden withdrawal can seem like a death knell for your relationship. It feels like a very short step from sleeping in another room to leaving for good. The more you seek reassurance, the further away they go..

If this is a recurring pattern, it's a good idea to seek help from a couples therapist who can help you identify any underlying issues.

But if it's a rare event, there are a few ways to decrease the toll it takes on you and your relationship.

Take your partner at their word

If they say it's not about you, accept it as the truth. Every time you're tempted to take it personally, remind yourself that it's not about you. Even if it's every two minutes.

Remember that emotional withdrawal is a coping mechanism

For years, when I was emotionally triggered, I wanted to run away and be alone. Because that's where I felt safe.

The bigger the trigger, the stronger the urge to isolate..

The last time I had a panic attack, about 10 years ago, the only place I could tolerate being in my own skin was in a dark closet, buried under a pile of jackets and coats.

My nervous system was completely overwhelmed. I couldn't stand any noise. Talking to anyone was way beyond my capacity.

Eventually, in my very safe relationship, I began to physically stay in the room with my partner. Then to stay there emotionally.

Not because he asked me to. But because he was a steady presence on the edge of my emotional storm.

Maybe once a year, he withdraws for a few days.

Initially, it brought all my insecurities to the fore, making me want to isolate myself. It's much harder to reconnect after a storm when you've run for shelter in opposite directions.

Slowly, I learned to be a steady presence on the edge of his storms. Patiently trusting he'll come back when he's ready.

Here's how.

Manage your mind

If you don't already have a tried-and-true strategy for managing overthinking, this is your reminder to find one.

The method I teach is to memorize something uplifting and inspiring. (The link is to a post on Threads. If you'd like the info in your email inbox, hit reply and let me know.)

Every time your mind circles back to why your partner's upset or something you did or didn't do, recite your words.

Make sure to pay close attention to what your mind is doing throughout the day. The earlier you catch an overthinking spiral, the easier it is to refocus in a different direction.

Help your nervous system out

If your partner's withdrawal is triggering your anxiety, regulating your nervous system is a must. Whether you prefer breathwork, plunging into a cold creek, or something else, give your jangled nerves an immediate reboot.

Connect without words or eye contact

In addition to avoiding conversation, people who are triggered can find making eye contact very challenging. Looking directly into someone's eyes is an act of intimacy.

Here are some ways to stay connected without using words or even looking at each other:

• Passing touch: When you walk behind or by your partner, give their shoulder or back a loving touch. Without stopping.

• Hooking pinkies: When you’re sitting next to your partner in the car, on the couch, or somewhere else, hook your little finger around theirs. Without looking at them. If they pull away, let them.

• Post it: Draw a heart or another symbol that has meaning in your relationship on a sticky note. Leave it where your partner will find it when you’re not around: on the steering wheel, on their laptop, a beer can in the refrigerator or inside a cupboard.

• Bring home or make something your partner really likes and leave it out for them to find. Chocolate chip cookies are my partner's love language.

Then let go of the outcome.

How your partner responds is completely beside the point. Release all expectations that they'll turn toward you, say anything, or acknowledge the gesture in any way.

You're sending a one-way message:

Hey, I see you. I love you. I'm here.

The message we all need to hear when we're struggling.