🧠❤️ Trust yourself: the 4 foundations

I spent the first few years of my older daughter’s life trying to figure out how to be a mom.

Up until then, everything I’d done had come with instructions. So I assumed there were guidelines somewhere.

No exaggeration.

I literally pictured a master list—a step-by-step guide to motherhood. I read a hundred (okay, maybe ten) parenting books, hoping to find it.

Then, one day, out of nowhere, this thought hit me:

Oh. I don’t need to “be a mom.”

I can just be me while doing mom things.

I’d love to tell you life got easier after that. Nope. Like most parents, I was still regularly baffled by my child.

But I stopped looking for all the answers in books and started paying more attention to what felt right to me.

I started trusting myself.

Started being the key word.

Self-trust

The formal definitions of self-trust are pretty intense. I wasn’t anywhere close to meeting them.

I was only beginning to consider the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I didn’t need an expert to tell me what to do in every situation.

Signs of low self-trust

Like the definitions, signs of low self-trust can feel all or nothing.

Instead of asking, “Do I do this?” try asking, “How often do I do this?”

• Look for external answers or constantly seek reassurance

• Overthink:

  • Your inner critic running wild

  • Rehashing the past, rehearsing the future

  • Analysis paralysis

  • “What if”-ing everything

  
  

• Feel disconnected from what you want or need

For decades, I could tell you exactly what I didn’t want. But ask me what I wanted to do on the weekend? I had no clue.

Another sign of low self-trust is putting on facades with other people.

I had one for every situation. The Nurse. The Neighbor. The Editor. The Spouse.

I always weighed my words very carefully before I spoke. Not in a THINK (thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary, kind) way. In a better not say that because I don’t want to sound stupid way.

I censored myself more than I spoke.

If any of this sounds familiar, keep reading. We’re just getting to the good part.

How to Start Building Self-Trust

Self-trust rests on four foundations:

1. Be kind to yourself.

I heard this and rolled my eyes a thousand times. Puh-leeze. No more woowoo.

But there's logic behind this.

If someone else was unkind to you, you'd never trust--or even expect--them to keep you safe.

If you're the one doing the bullying, you can't expect to trust yourself.

This step makes all the others possible. Create some kind moments for your body and mind.

For your body:

• Stand up from your desk every half hour

• Look away from your computer screen every few minutes

• Take a 5-minute break to breathe deeply and feel your feet on the floor

• Walk outside (better with trees)

• Snuggle into bed a few minutes early and actively enjoy the comfort of being warm (it's -2 here right now) before conking out

Other things I do include yoga, avoiding sugar,

For your mind:

Years ago, I made a fact-checking mistake for the CEO of a major healthcare company. He repeated a non-fact to a colleague, who corrected him.

His communications director called to tell me about my error. She wasn’t upset. He wasn’t upset.

I. on the other hand, had a full-blown panic attack--cold sweats, racing heart, short of breath. I apologized profusely and said I understood they'd need to terminate my contract.

Astute and generous, the comms director stopped me. She told me she, too, used to feel like the only acceptable response to an error was falling on her sword. Then she reminded me that:

​ ​EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES

Which I've only needed to remember about 784 times since then.

When you notice self-criticism (eg, the urge to commit seppuku because you made a mistake) creeping in, try one of these:

• Redirect your mind.Use the words you memorized and repeat them until the cold talons of self-condemnation loosen their grip.

• Ask yourself if it’s constructive. Is it feedback or self-harassment? If it’s just fear talking, name the fear. Failing? Being alone?

• Talk back. If your inner critic tells you, You’re unlovable, rebut it—out loud—You’re wrong. I deserve to be loved. It might (will absolutely) feel awkward and absurd. Do it anyway. You need to hear this message from yourself. All the time.

2. Think small

Self-trust doesn’t start with the big things—your career, relationships, or where to live.

It starts with tiny decisions: What to eat for lunch. Whether to have a third coffee or drink water instead.

Two things matter when making decisions:

How you decide.

Low self-trust -> crowdsourcing opinions and Googling your way to certainty. Relying on external input degrades your trust in your ability to make good choices.

OR

Higher self-trust -> tuning in to your own instincts. Call it intuition, spidey sense, hunches, or something else, using body-based knowledge for decision-making builds self-trust.

Try this:

• Pick a small decision: what snack to eat, what shirt to wear, what movie to watch.

• In five seconds or less, come up with three options.

• Close your eyes and feel each one in your body.

• Pick the one that feels most right.

The first time I did this, I was hurrying home on the freeway, an hour away and starving. I imagined:

1. Not stopping so I could get there earlier. (I felt deprived.)

2. Grabbing fast food. (I felt gross.)

3. Stopping at a grocery store for something that didn't make me feel gross. (I felt like I could stop rushing.)

I stopped and bought my favorite protein bar. Such a tiny thing, but I’ll never forget how proud I felt for giving myself what I needed.

Follow-through.

Whatever you just picked, immediately do it.

Second-guessing erodes self-trust. Making the perfect choice is much less important than acting on what you chose. Taking action is when self-trust grows.

If you made the wrong choice, fix it.

In fact, if you made the wrong choice, changing your mind builds self-trust.

3. Spend quality time alone

Self-awareness and self-trust go hand in hand.

Journaling, walking, meditating—even just sitting quietly—helps you understand your own thoughts and feelings without noise, distraction, and other people's opinions.

You don’t need to go off to a monastery for a week. Start with just 5 minutes a day.

For years, I did a morning page—filling one notebook page with whatever was on my mind. No agenda, just brain dumping. I learned so much about why I felt the way I did and what I was really thinking.

4. Wean yourself off external validation

As you create a safe space for yourself, make small decisions, and spend time alone, start noticing how often you ask for validation.

Every time you catch yourself about to ask, What do you think? Do you agree?, take a beat.

Do you really need to know? Or is asking just a habit?

Building self-trust isn’t about becoming perfect or pushing yourself harder. It’s about allowing yourself to be you.

This week:

• Be kind to yourself in at least one new way every day.

• Notice negative self-talk and respond with redirection or gentle rebuttal.

• Spend five minutes or more alone every day. (Being in the bathroom counts if you have small kids.) Just breathe, feel your body, and notice if anything comes up.

Sources:

Ciring E. 2018. Six tips for building trust in yourself. Heathline.https://www.healthline.com/health/trusting-yourself#building-trust Des Marais, S. 5 ways to trust yourself more. PsychCentral.https://psychcentral.com/relationships/how-to-develop-self-trust Gupta, S. Don't trust yourself? Why you feel this way and what to do. VerywellMind. https://www.verywellmind.com/i-dont-trust-myself-why-you-feel-this-way-and-what-to-do-5218617 Wignall N. 2021. 8 simple ways to trust yourself more. https://nickwignall.com/8-simple-ways-to-trust-yourself-more/ Lisitsa E. 2024. Trusting yourself. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/self-care-trusting-yourself/