Relationships: A Drama in 3 Acts

Time to open the curtain and shine a spotlight on relationship drama. (See what I did there?)

If you or your partner overthink, your relationship is likely to be full of it.

Drama is continual unhealthy emotional intensity.

Here are just a few ways it plays out in relationships:

• Arguing over things that don’t matter

• Seeking reassurance

• Attempting to control someone else

• Constant conflict

How does overthinking fuel relationship drama?

1. ‘What if’-ing

Meet John and Jane Smith (Donald Glover & Maya Erskine 😂*).

Jane usually responds to John’s texts within a few minutes. After he waits 2 hours for a response, he’s sure she’s ignoring him. Five hours, and he’s furious.

Or he's envisioning her in a head-on collision.

Because he’s not aware he’s overthinking or doesn’t know how to stop it, he dwells on his anger or fear.

When Jane comes home from work, John asks why she didn’t respond to his text. She explains that she lost her phone.

In a healthy relationship, that’s where it ends.

But, after stewing in negative thoughts and feelings, John doesn't let go of his emotional intensity. He says she was thoughtless to not let him know she didn't have her phone. What if there had been an emergency?

Or says he was worried she’d been in an accident.

Jane reacts to the intensity and says it’s not fair for him to call her thoughtless. Or snaps that she’s tired of him criticizing her driving.

They spend the evening arguing over nothing.

(* the 2024 version on Prime is worth watching)

2. Self-criticism

Jane's inner critic colors how she interprets her experiences, but she's not aware that it does.

Her inner critic reminds her that her last serious relationship didn't go well. Repeatedly.

She doesn't realize she's overthinking or doesn't know how to stop it.

So she gets nervous when John focuses something outside their relationship. She's even jealous of his friends and family members, even his career and co-workers.

She checks in with him frequently when they're apart. When he suggests going to a movie with friends, she says she'd rather cuddle up on the couch with him at home. She often asks for reassurance that their relationship is working for him.

Reacting to her clinging behaviors, John starts hitting the gym more often to maintain some distance.

Jane's fear about their relationship increases. Subconsciously, she starts having "emergencies" that require his attention. A stressful conversation with her boss, a fender bender, a bad bout of the flu.

John reacts to her increasing emotional intensity with more distance, eventually ending their relationship.

Self-criticism leads to self-fulfilling prophecies in relationships.

3. Rehashing the past, rehearsing for the future

Jane and John argue frequently. When they're apart, they rehash their arguments, dissecting the details and mentally rewriting their lines. They each know exactly what they'll say the next time it comes up.

They’re primed for a repeat.

Rehashing and rehearsing conflict begets more conflict.

Question of the week

• Do you see yourself or your partner in any of these scenes?

What to do this week

Increase your awareness of your emotional intensity.

Using a 0 (Nirvana) to 10 (Armageddon) scale, rate how intense your emotions are right now.

Keep in mind that both positive and negative emotions can vary in intensity.

Throughout the week, notice how it varies. Are you mostly within a few points or do you swing through most points on the scale?

If you experience a noticeable increase in the intensity of your emotions, what emotion increased? What triggered it? What are the underlying thoughts?

There are no right answers. The sole purpose is to increase self-awareness.