I don’t know who I am to my daughter anymore

​For 7 years, I was my daughter’s protector and primary supporter. This week, I realized she doesn't need me in that role anymore.

So now what?

Who do I want to be in her life?

I have no idea. And not knowing is physically uncomfortable—a tightness in my chest and throat.

But forcing an answer about our relationship is just soothing my anxiety with a story.

"She needs me to always be available."

"I haven’t heard from her so something must be wrong."

Meanwhile, I miss the chance to discover a new way of being in relationship with her.

I learned this years ago from a friend whose husband had an affair. She was devastated, and I was sure she’d divorce him.

She didn’t. She stayed in the wreckage of their marriage. I thought she was crazy.

She told me, “I’m don’t know what to do. I’m just going to live in not knowing for a while. “

Six months later, she was clear. They both were—they wanted to stay together. They didn’t get there by forcing a decision. They got there by living in not knowing.

Now they’ve been happily married for 20+ more years.

I’m doing the same thing with my daughter. I’m not deciding who to be instead of “protector and supporter.”

Instead, I'm just sitting with the tightness in my chest. Noticing when I want to text her out of anxiety. Asking myself what I actually want. Not what she needs, but what I want.

I don’t have answers yet. And every part of me wants to create a plan, set boundaries, figure it out now. But I’m not going to.

When you rush to decide what a relationship will be, you give your anxious brain the reins.

And that’s rarely a good thing. It just drives you toward disaster.

But when you sit with not knowing, your intuition has time to speak to you. To tell you what your body knows that your mind can’t figure out.

Almost always, those answers are better and truer.

Ask yourself this:

What relationship are you trying to “figure out”?

Maybe you’re rushing to fit a new person into a box in your life. Clinging to an old version of someone or pushing yourself to make a decision before you’re ready.

Don’t just do something. Sit there.

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