All the feels in 5.5 steps

This morning, on a work call with 10 people, one person had a LOT to say.

About herself.

Her employment history, grad school, favorite hobby, family, and public speaking career.

She eventually got to her point, but I was annoyed.

And I stayed annoyed after the call ended.

I don't like feeling annoyed, so I tried to meditate myself out of it. Didn't work. Plan B was writing gratitudes. Midway, I realized I was annoyed and resentful.

I stopped trying to make my anger go away. I just sat there and felt it in my body: a vertical patch of tension just to the left of my breastbone (hello, heart).

I switched from writing gratitudes to writing down my thoughts:

I’m angry at her for taking up so much space.

Why do people take up space like that? She doesn’t feel seen or heard. Oh, she’s so uncomfortable in her own skin. (This was me trying to compassion away my resentment.)

I would never let myself take up space like that.

Then the truth came …

What would it be like to take up all the space I wanted?

Where am I not letting myself take up space?

The instant I started asking myself the right questions, my annoyance and resentment vanished.

My feelings weren't a random distraction. They were my body telling me something I needed to hear.

About letting myself be loud and even (gasp) off topic.

If you only remember one thing from reading, please let it be this:

Feelings are knowledge without words.

Especially as overthinkers, we prize the knowledge produced and held by our conscious, rational minds.

But 90-95% of brain activity happens below the level of conscious awareness--as brain and body communicate constantly.

Most of us never learn how to listen to our body-based knowledge.

Like emotions.

Emotions vs. feelings

Imagine a sudden loud noise, a photo of someone you love, the unending stream of bad news on social media.

Your brain instantaneously and automatically signals your body to respond to each type of sensory input.

Your body's responses can be measured as blood pressure, heart rate, and facial expressions, among other things. These physiologic changes are your emotions.

I recognized the sensation of tightness in my chest as anger, a foundational emotion experienced by humans across all cultures. The others are fear, disgust, sadness, joy, and surprise.

Feelings are you becoming aware of and interpreting your body's automatic responses—based on your beliefs, past experiences, and the current context.

Emotions and feelings are your body's response to sensory information and how you interpret it. They're not facts

Why you might avoid emotions and feelings

So many reasons.

Nobody taught you what to do with your feelings.

Your culture or family schooled you to dismiss them.

Some emotions aren’t comfortable. Who in their right mind would choose to feel sad? Afraid? Avoidance is the easy out. Whatever I felt stopped when I had a couple glasses of wine, focused hard on work, or ran a few miles.

Unfortunately, avoidance works really well—you don't actually have to feel how angry, hurt, or afraid you are. So the next time a feeling you don’t like rears its head, you do the thing that made it go away before.

You have logical reasons for avoid them -> “Other people have it much worse than I do”. That might be true, but a) it's not a contest and b) your feelings are trying to tell you something.

Instead of feeling what's going on in your body, you focus on why you feel that way--whether it happened in the distant past or 3 minutes ago. You might tell yourself a story about your feelings to justify them, for instance, mentally recreating a chain of events.

You might also have feelings about your feelings -> “I shouldn’t be mad.” These meta-emotions keep you disconnected from what you're actually feeling. Like, for instance, you don't like feeling annoyed so you try to avoid it by meditating and writing down gratitudes. Just a random example.

Importantly, emotional numbing is a protective mechanism against intense emotional experiences, especially for people who’ve experienced trauma. If feeling your emotions feels unsafe instead of uncomfortable or you're scared of exploring this, please seek support from a therapist.

Why avoiding them is a problem

• Unfelt emotions don’t go away—they mount up, draining your energy and leaking out as anxiety, stress, or emotional outbursts. Before I learned to pay attention to what my body was telling me, I’d go from “it’s all good” to rage within seconds.

• Ignoring emotions is associated with physical health issues: higher pain levels, increased cardiovascular risk, higher cancer rates, depression, anxiety, and relationship problems

• You miss important information. Emotions signal what matters to you, whether it’s taking up more space in a conversation, a safety threat, or the desire to connect with someone.

• You can’t understand your true values and desires or make decisions aligned with them if you’re unaware of your emotions.

• Finally, you can’t learn from what you avoid. Emotions offer a new learning experience. Until this morning, I didn't know that one reason I listen more than talk in discussions is to avoid taking up too much space.

There's some very cool neuroscience involved in learning to feel your feelings.

The neuroscience of emotions and feelings

The ability to sense internal states within your body, like muscle tension, pain, and heat/coolness, is called interoception.

Interoception is crucial for feeling your emotions because:

1. Emotions are sensations in your body. Interoception helps you notice and identify the physical sensations of emotions.

2. It connects your body and your mind. Interoception is the link between physical sensations and emotional understanding.

3. It provides clarity. According to research, better interoception is associated with more clarity about your emotions and goal.

4. It helps with emotional regulation. Earlier awareness of the physical sensations of emotion helps you respond, rather than react.

5. It make you less likely to avoid them. Interoceptive awareness keeps you connected to your body when you’re tempted to disconnect from uncomfortable feelings.

Developing your interoception keeps you from being caught up in stories about your emotions as you notice your direct experience of them.

Studies suggest that people with better interoception have more emotional clarity and regulation and are less prone to anxiety or depression. Those with poor interoception may struggle with emotional numbness or heightened anxiety.

Techniques to improve interoception include:

• ​Body scanning and progressive muscle relaxation: Paying attention to physical sensations without judgment.

• Physical movement: Activities like yoga and gentle movement help integrate physical sensations with emotions​. Running, like I did, does not. Lifting weights can also help increase your awareness of your internal sensations.

​Kelly Mahler, an occupational therapist, offers several free resources to help build interoception.

5 1/2 steps to start listening to your body-based knowledge

Step 1. Notice the sensations. Pay attention to where and how in your body you feel an emotion using the “I DO’ technique:

1. Identify where you feel it.

2. Describe what you feel with specific words (tight, heavy, buzzing, etc.)

3. Observe one sensation at a time.

Step 2. Allow the sensations. Give yourself permission to experience the emotion without trying to change it. Practice sitting with discomfort rather than immediately trying to escape it. Notice if you’re judging an emotion as negative or inappropriate and refocus on the sensations in your body.

Step 3. Name them. If you know what emotion(s) you're experiencing, name it. This helps your brain process them. Use "I feel" phrases rather than "I am" phrases (ie, "I feel angry" vs. "I am angry”). If you don't have a name for what you're experiencing, using a wheel or atlas of emotions can help. You can fill in the sensations you experience for emotions on this wheel.

Step 4. Be curious and compassionate. Gently explore what the emotion is signaling​. Writing down any thoughts that arise can bring more clarity. Be kind to yourself, especially with more challenging emotions. Remember that emotions have been part of the human experience since we started walking upright.

Step 5. Let it go. Usually the sensation of emotion fades in about 90 seconds. If it goes on longer, you may be reactivating it with your thoughts. Once an emotion has served its purpose, choose to let it go. Of course, this may be easier said than done for overthinkers—create some peace of mind by using the words you memorized.

Step 5.5. Practice nervous system regulation. Techniques like breathwork, movement, and mindfulness help you access your emotions and make feeling them easier.

1 question and 1 thing to try this week:

How do you avoid experiencing your emotions and feelings?

When you notice an uncomfortable emotion, remember that your body is trying to tell you something important. Instead of pushing it away, lean in.

Grab pen and paper. Feel, listen, write.