4 lists to simplify dating

I posted on Threads this week about a list everyone – especially if you overthink – needs before beginning to date.

Dealbreakers

Qualities of another person that constitute an immediate hard pass on a relationship.

A lively conversation followed. It's here if you're interested.

People responded mostly in one of two ways.

"Great idea!" or "I did it and now I'm with a wonderful person."

Dealbreakers are so important for people who overthink because we're much more inclined to talk ourselves into dismissing red flags when someone waves them in our face.

Telling ourselves that...

It's not that bad

It just happened once

I didn't really just see that

You get my drift. So a written list of very specific dealbreakers is important. (Here's how specific they should be.)

But there are three other lists you also need.

Must-haves

This is the fun list. The non-negotiable qualities you want in a partner.

Values.

Hobbies.

Beliefs.

Appearance.

Personality.

Anything you want to include.

My list included "great sense of humor". I should have been more specific.

My partner is the King of Puns.

I meant a dry, witty sense of humor. Not puns.

For the first 12 years we were together, I rolled my eyes. So much I could have lifted weights with my eyelids.

Two years ago, I finally gave in. When he puns, I return one. Depending on what he punned about, we can keep it going longer than you'd think.

Definitely much longer than you'd want to hear.

What you bring to a relationship

The final two lists are about you.

They're harder to write. It's much easier to think about someone else in relationship.

This list is all the things you have to offer a partner. Maybe you're a fix-it person or a fabulous cook. Ready to handle all the technology glitches or well-versed in Vedic astrology.

You've recovered from addiction. Addressed your trauma. Made 6 figures last year. Own a home.

Take care of yourself physically.

Imagine you're dating yourself. What do you bring to the table?

Your weaknesses in relationships

This was the hardest one.

At the time I wrote these lists, I'd been divorced from my second husband for about a year.

My second husband had had a long list of my shortcomings that he wanted to remind me of regularly. At the time, I knew his list was more about him than about me. But it still got under my skin.

However, after a year alone, I found myself quite easy to live with. My dog seemed to agree.

I wrote a few things down, but I honestly don't remember what they were.

So I'll tell you what I think my weaknesses are now, 14 years into the relationship of my dreams.

I'm stubborn (see above, rolling my eyes for 12 years).

And kind of messy.

When I'm anxious, I get very quiet.

I snore sometimes and not in a cute, endearing way. I know because I wake myself up.

I can try to do too much at once in very focused (frantic-adjacent) energy.

My partner sometimes has to ask me two or three times to do things I don't enjoy.

My partner also had a list

On our first few dates, he asked me some questions that were clearly screeners. I remember two:

How was my health?

Was I carrying any debt?

What to do with your lists

Before you date a new person, review them.

If you date someone more than once, keep reviewing them. Especially your must-haves and dealbreakers.

Are must-haves missing? Any signs of dealbreakers so far?

Be scrupulously honest with yourself.

After two divorces, I kept reviewing mine for months. Well past the best-behavior, hormone-drenched phase of our relationship.

About five months in, he blamed me for something that wasn't my fault. That was one of my dealbreakers.

I walked out of his house. Drove around for an hour, heartbroken because I knew I had to go back and end it.

When I went back, he was waiting. Before I said a word, he apologized, took full responsibility, and promised he would never do it again.

It took me another few months to be all in emotionally.

And he never did it again.

This week:

• If you're not in a relationship, write these lists. Even if you never plan to date, it's a worthwhile process just for the clarity that results.

• If you're dating someone, write all four lists. As best you can, write them without your date in mind--especially the must-haves and dealbreakers. Pay close attention to anything you're reluctant to include because it applies to your date.

• If you're in a long-term relationship you love, write the last list. How can you be an even better partner for your partner?