3 ways overthinking screws up relationships

Overthinking makes it exponentially harder to create and sustain healthy relationships.

This is true for connections with intimate partners, for sure. But, in my experience, overthinking also spilled into my relationships with my kids, friends, siblings, ...

Damn overthinking knows no boundaries.

To understand how overthinking affects relationships, let's think of relationships as made up of 3 things:

• you

• the other person

• the intangible connection between the two of you.

This connection is woven of the energy behind the individual thoughts, emotions, and intentions you each have. It:

• influences how you think about, perceive, and interact with each other.

• is dynamic. You can feel the difference in your connection when your partner is grumpy or distracted and when they're not.

• needs care and tending.

This connection is where overthinking does damage in 3 ways.

You can't be present

The mental storm of overthinking is all-consuming. You're not available mentally or emotionally to anyone. You might be in the same room, you might even be having a conversation...

but your head and heart are miles away.

The connection is getting no energy from your side.

💪🏻 A connection-strengthening move is to admit that you're distracted so your partner can decide whether to keep talking or to save it for another time.

🥀 A connection-depleting move is to pretend you're listening.

Negativity

Overthinking is repeating cycles of negative thoughts and feelings. In relationships, negativity breeds more of the same.

Negativity bias is the tendency of your human brain to pay more attention to negative experiences and pile on evidence of more bad news. It's the metaphorical opposite of wearing rose-colored glasses; everything looks dingy and suspect.

Negativity--even when it's not about your relationship or your partner--pollutes your connection. You can try your hardest to keep it from doing so, but it still seeps in through:

• your choice of words

• facial expressions

• subjects you talk about or avoid

• how you move through a room.

💪🏻 A connection-strengthening move is to use a method to stop overthinking that addresses its mental and emotional components.

(If you don't know what I mean, read more here.)

Regular practice decreases the intensity and frequency of your overthinking and teaches you how to move up and out of negativity without sacrificing authenticity.

🥀 A connection- (and soul-) depleting move is to dwell on negative experiences, thoughts, and feelings.

Withholding

Healthy relationships are based on authenticity. Both of you feel safe to share your true thoughts and feelings without fear of risking the relationship.

But your overthinking brain might try to convince you it's not safe to be authentic.

I can't say that, it's stupid.

I shouldn't feel this way. I'll get over it.

Something's wrong with me as a partner.

So you withhold information you think will make your partner feel angry or hurt or disappointed.

Pretend everything's OK.

Not ask the question you want to because they might take offense.

Unspoken thoughts and feelings linger in your connection long after you decide against voicing them. They block the dynamic energy, leading to relationships that feel shallow and stale.

💪🏻 A connection-strengthening move is to be honest instead of holding back. You don't have to go from withholding to baring your soul in one go, though. Take it a step at a time.

🥀 A connection-depleting choice is to selectively share with your partner.

BUT FIRST...

Foundational to improving your connection with your partner is learning how to manage your overthinking.

This is a good place to start.