2 fallacies that fuel overthinking + 4 questions

I read books, articles, and research reports about overthinking all the time.

Partly because this quirk of the human brain fascinates me. More importantly, I want to make sure I share the best available information with you.

I keep looking for information I can include or link to in my newsletter. But it's mind-bogglingly dense reading--even for someone fluent in neuroscience and psychology like me.

Plus...

Every time I delve into the scientific and professional literature on overthinking, I'm struck by the absence of consensus.* Each author offers a new definition of overthinking and suggests different causes.

This week, I read about a couple of suggested causes that made me shake my head:

1) a sense of entitlement, meaning you overthink because you think you deserve everything you want, and

2) secondary gain, meaning you overthink to get something you want. The author suggested it was pity and attention. I can't begin to choke that one down.

The good news is that I also read about two causes of overthinking that are worth exploring.

The fallacy that you have control

The gist is that you overthink because it keeps you from feeling how powerless you are. How little control you have over anything in life.

(If you don't think so, do this exercise. Write lists under each heading.

I'd love it if you'd hit reply and email me your list from the left column and your thoughts about it.)

Overthinking, especially worrying, makes your brain feel like you're doing something, so it helps you avoid feeling powerless.

It seems paradoxical because overthinking itself is so uncomfortable--but you're subconsciously afraid that helplessness would feel even worse.

My experience is that acknowledging how little control you have is tremendously freeing. Laying down the responsibility for myriad outcomes you can't create is an immense relief.

The fallacy that you should be certain

From kindergarten on, you learn there's a right answer to every question and you should know it.

If you don't know the answer, you just have to work harder.

The "right answer" ideology persists after school, too. US corporate culture rewards confident certainty.

Of course, life is highly uncertain. There are no guarantees about anything beyond the fact that it doesn't go on forever.

This fallacy plays out in three ways.

You get stuck in problem-solving mode, believing that the reason you still feel uncomfortably uncertain is that you haven't worked hard enough to find the right answer.

You gather more information, ask other people what they think or would do in your shoes, lose sleep over all the possibilities, and put off making a decision or taking action.

Or you deny being uncertain. I don't know about you, but I've definitely spoken about something with great certainty that I didn't actually feel.

The third--and most destructive--thing you might do when you don't allow yourself to feel uncertain is that you force an answer. For instance, if you're uncertain about whether to leave a relationship, you may subconsciously or consciously sabotage it.

Four questions to ask yourself to get a sense of whether this fallacy plays a role in your overthinking:

• When has uncertainty been uncomfortable for you? What did you do as a result?

• How likely are you to say "I don't know" at work? With family and close friends? Casual acquaintances?

• In what situations are you least likely to admit that you don't have the answer?

• What would happen if you did admit it?

(There are no right answers, by the way. 😀 It's just a chance to untangle the fallacy.)

My experience is that allowing yourself to be uncertain--to acknowledge that you don't know what to do, to yourself and anyone else affected--creates space for answers to emerge that you never could have imagined.

Sit in uncertainty, use your chosen words to manage your mind when you need to, remember to breathe, and wait. It could be minutes or months, depending on the question.

The mystery that happens when you let life happen without forcing answers never ceases to amaze me. I'll be telling a few stories about this on Threads over the next few days.

Thanks so much for reading! I hope you found some food for thought.