3 steps to more peace of mind and heart

I don't usually tell stories about people I work with. But I have her permission to share it with you because she's pretty excited about it.

Let's call her Sara.

She has a really full life, like most of us. Two kids, a husband, an ex (her kids' dad), starting a new business. Three cats and a new house.

We've talked a few times when she was deep in very active overthinking.

It happens when her husband gets angry or frustrated. As people do. It's regular relationship stuff, but Sara's response to it is outsized.

I do the same three things each time:

1. Gently stop her from telling the story about what happened--because it doesn't matter. What her mind and body are doing is the problem. Telling the story just reinforces her thoughts and feelings.

2. Ask her what she feels. For a few minutes, she describes exactly what she's feeling and where in her body she feels it. The story sometimes starts to pop up again, but I gently lead her back to feeling. Sometimes, I remind her to breathe.

3. Remind her that she can choose her thoughts. That listening to what her mind is telling her at that moment is the least helpful thing she can do. She looks completely unconvinced. To be fair, stopping overthinking while you're deep in it is much harder than when it's just starting.

A few days ago, her husband got frustrated again. He left on a walk without telling her when he'd be back. A scenario she often finds really triggering.

This time was completely different.

Sara decided she didn't want to respond the way she always has. She planned her day around him being gone. Had fun with her kids, did some yard work, went on a lovely walk herself.

Later that day, I got a message:

When I tell you that being able to stop overthinking will change your life, this is what I mean.

You can find freedom.

You can choose what you want to do with your day. With your life.

You can learn the difference between what you need to think about and feel and what's not worth your time.

If it's not worth your time:

1. Don't tell yourself or anyone else the story of why you feel the way you do.

2. Ask yourself what you feel. Remember to breathe. What do you feel in your body and where is the feeling? It doesn't have to have an emotion name. It can just be "tight" or "hot".

3. Remember that what you think is up to you.